Proximity Hearts - Finding the right distance in love

Proximity Hearts - Finding the right distance in love

There is an optimal distance between two people. Something like the Goldilocks effect, not too far and not too near; just right. I discovered this with a lover recently, when we were too close our respective attachment styles went crazy. When we were too far apart then the relational charge was lost. 

Most people would have heard of codependency. This is a theory rather than a proved model or evidence based. The idea is that one or two people in a relationship will try to control the other by being excessively supportive. This creates an extended game of manipulation and ultimately is toxic to healthy loving. The other side of the coin is people that are cold or distant. This can stave the dynamic of oxygen or food. Many people like this fear intimacy and will turn away from a lover. They hope that making the distance greater will keep them safe. I’ve seen this many times in my couples counselling sessions. One person will withdraw and isolate, that's often terminal, unless there's a bold move from someone.

The solution is to stay aware. Notice if you’re in each other pockets too much. Pay attention to distractions and addictions, workaholics etc. There is an old metaphor, using the language of dancing to explain this concept. Dancing isn’t lying on each other, it's moving, swirling, being close at times than further apart. I also like the analogy to house plants, they need some water, light and food. If they get too little or too much of those things they die. Given just the right amount they flourish and bloom. Finding the sweet spot of proximity can be tricky. Hollywood and the media really push the codependency model. So to have healthy interactions we need to imagine a new paradigm. We need tools like awareness and discipline. Also love, patience, emotional IQ, courage and hope. Like a toddler learning to walk we will sometimes lean too far forward or back. Falling on your face, or on your ass, is part of learning to balance. 

The Pay Off, when you both hit the perfect proximity there is flow. Everything momentarily is easy and delicious. Then there's a miss step or complacency, and back to the bumpy ride. I believe that this is a sacred journey, to feel the pulse of the universe through our intimate relationships.