3 Things For a Healthy Séx Life

3 Things For a Healthy Sex Life

There are three main elements to having a Healthy Sex Life.

1. Balancing - Having a balance of ingredients in your sex life is important. This means not having excess sex (sex addict) or too little (lonely).

Also there needs to be a mix of flavours in the loving. There is research from the Kinsey Institute in America suggesting that we have a Dual Control for our sexuality. We all have a brake and an accelerator. The way we have love with someone else is a combination of how much we use the brake or the accelerator. Too much of either will either make us crash or never leave the garage. So when you’re in bed with your partner explore what happens if you touch down on either pedal.

2. Shame, overcoming it! One of the greatest obstacles to people having fulfilling sex lives is shame. Many clients come to see me with barrow loads of shame about body image, behaviours and desires. I still have these feelings too! There are still endless experiences I have with lovers when I need to overcome the shame. My approach has been to start with, “Hey Lover, I’m feeling shame about X, would it be OK if I tell you about it?” Usually they say “sure” and I can share that I’m really turned on by yachts (not a real example). By naming the desire it often loses its sting. My partner might say “Hmm I’m not into that but how about hang gliders?” Or “Fuck yeah thats my thing too, lets get it on.” Either way it opens an honest conversation about how we can meet each other.

3. Safety. There is a wonderful TED talk by Dr Sue Johnson called The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy. Dr Johnson claims that the single most important element for people to enjoy and deepen into sex is safety. She lists research into human physiology that when we feel safe that we can fully open into the experience of sex. Her mentions that this sex is not about exotic positions or spicy scenes but truly meeting another person naked and fully. When we feel safe we relax and open up our bodies and all the good neurotransmitters like oxytocin and dopamine flow freely. That makes us feel wonderful and connect more intimately. 

Overall sex can be healthy, fun and pleasurable for everybody. It can make us feel good and bring us closer to our lovers.