REALationships Paradigm

Conscious Healthy Radical Relationship Paradigm - REALationships

There is a healthy, real and deeply radical way to have relationships.

I have been researching committed romantic relationships all my life. First as a young adult and making horrible mistakes with people. Currently as a relationship counsellor. In addition, I am always reading on the topic and informally interviewing people about what works. Sidenote - I’m talking about both monogamous and polyamorous relationships, mostly about longer-term, committed, romantic and erotic.

I’m noticing some people around me currently having strong and deeper intimacy with each other. I decided to write down some of the qualities they employ in these relationships. The people having these experiences seem to be about my age (I’m nearly 50!), or at least one of the people is this age. This means they have completed Fucked-Up Relationship 101, Basic Communication 101 and other personal development and a period of therapy.

Some of the headings in this post relate to the individual, some relate to the relationship.  When I do relationship counselling it is sometimes important to separate “What is my business? What's your business? What's our combined business?” I regard the relationship as a separate entity. Sometimes we need to go off and see our friends or therapist to process relational content. At other times that compost needs to be turned with our beloved. 

Here is my understanding of the criteria for being in a REALationships Paradigm.

Emotionally mature 

It’s hard to describe emotional maturity. It sounds arrogant to claim being emotionally mature. The analogy I use to describe it, some people really want to be skilful in tennis or ballet, some people aspire to be skilful with emotions. These people can accept a wider emotional range, they are more comfortable in feeling more ups and down. They can introspect and sense emotions, then they have the ability to articulate them to others. They are not attached to particular emotions, not happy goal focused, nor avoiding ‘negative’ emotions. Emotional intelligence, emotional literacy. Emotional alchemy, yuk feelings shared into gold. Witnessing another person's strong feelings, is not, rescuing, fixing, saving, being a carer for them, it's witnessing. Using feeling language. Maturity is an act, not an accident.

Vulnerable - The Power of no Protection

This word means many things to different people. My simplest understanding of vulnerability is to show yourself fully, emotions, shame, to risk looking like all your fears. Being vulnerable is being honest with someone else and telling them things that might be secrets, fears, messiness and shameful. It is critical for building trust between people, when you show up as real and sensitive, risking being rejected, ridiculed or abandoned. The trust is vital to make NRP work, each person has to open their hearts and allow the other person in. Trust is saying “I’m scared, and I’ll share my true self with you”. Surrender, the heart can be trusted. The combination of courageous, honest and transparent is potent for connection and intimacy. Each corner of this triangle is important for building the trust bridge. Being transparent with each other means not lying or omitting. I have always found this difficult, I was scared of telling the truth. Now it feels like a necessary element of relating (it still challenges me to show up fully in truth, and I do it). It takes courage and strength to speak honestly when you might feel that you will be rejected. There is a primal fear of rejection, being too much, being too weird, too different, too sensitive, too needy etc. And after the honesty is the possibility of full acceptance and even being celebrated for your genuine authentic self. Hopefully each person can welcome all parts of the other, even if those parts are challenging to beliefs, unconscious values and meaning.

Interdependent

Be able to support the others inner child at times - Codependency, the sweetheart of pop culture, the slow release poison of enmeshed relationships. Interdependence, a healthy way for people to support each other without being lifelong crutches. Interdependence is a collaborative gesture when, at times, one person can lean on the other for support. And this can be reciprocated from the other. I believe it's appropriate for the ‘adult’ part of person A to care for the ‘child’ part of person B. The IMPORTANT thing to remember is that person A is not always the carer, person B is not acting out child. Mostly the people are grown up, mature adults, that can self soothe or seek support outside the relationship. There is a balance of occasionally being supported by a partner, vs always being carried. Stay true and aligned to self, at the same time allowing the possibility of feedback, growth and healing - There is a sweet spot for this. Unconscious partnering often fails when one person gives up totally on themself and just morphs to be what they expect the other person wants them to be. Or equally bad, one person digs their heels in deep and refuses to change anything about themself. Both situations are probably about insecurity. So, try to stay genuine and authentically yourself. Simultaneously our beloveds can see us really clearly, they can see our blindspots. Listening to their reflection of how they see us can be super helpful. Except, when they are projecting their shit on us (that’s a whole book in its self). So be real, be open, be critical and connect deeply. Make space for each other. We should not be living in each other’s pockets. I have been told that some tantra communities make couples have separate bedrooms. Each partner can invite the other for a sleepover or sleep alone. If you live with a partner or separate, allowing each other to have connection then separation is important. The time apart is needed for solo time or experiences with other people. It’s good to sip from the cup, you don’t need to skull the whole bottle.

Do the individual work 

Another amorphous expression, do the work. ‘The Work’ means that a person has made a significant effort to heal, learn and grow on the inside. We are all trauma survivors, we all have wounds to heal from our childhoods. Some have more and some less, the wounds are different sizes, colours and shapes. Doing the work means consciously taking time to get professional and community help to clean up the wounds and learn how to relate in a mature way. There are endless modalities available to do this inner work. Personally, I have found a collage approach works for me. I have received healing and teaching from, ceremony, therapy, plant medicine, massage, sexological bodywork, acupuncture, circle work, prayer, nature, dance, surrender and esoteric teachers. 

Stay in the Container

Stay in the container when it's hot, or dip out to cool off, then return - This!!! This is one of the most important parts to the NRP - stay in the container. Stay committed to the relationship, even when you want to run away, withdraw, hide, give up. At the same time know when it’s toooooo hot to touch, then , pause, take a breath, step back for a moment. Tell each other “I’m to triggered, I’m in a trauma response, I can’t manage this situation now. I’d like to take 30 minutes to deregulate, then I’ll come back. Can we just hug when I return?” Otherwise, if you can handle the heat, stay with the dynamic. That doesn’t mean insulting, blaming, criticising, attacking or acting out crazy. There might be anger and other strong emotions. It might be important to move, breathe, laugh, cry, be silent, touch, wrestle or other. Again these are moments to be vulnerable (“I feel scared, hurt or sad”) or to build trust by staying together. Many many people have triggers around abandonment and rejection (attachment wounds), keeping communication open and staying present to the heat is critical to repair and build trust. Another caveat, DON’T stay in abusive relationships. There are great similarities between hot processing and abusive relationships. The difference can be seen by other people around you, if you’re constantly complaining about your partner to friends, then it's probably problematic - and you can ask them (although if it's abusive you probably won't listen to them). The healthy and occasionally hot relationship will feel warm and juicy after a crisis.

Trauma informed

We are all trauma survivors. We all need to do trauma processing. You will accidentally trigger someone's trauma response, they might activate their sympathetic nervous system. If this happens you’re on thin ice, tread carefully. Being trauma informed means knowing your shit and knowing their shit - it’s generally not personal. 95% of the drama in relationships is transference, that means transferring shit from our unconscious past onto the trusted person in front of me. 95% of people in the world do this 100% of the time. It takes an effort when our system is activated to remember to slow down, breathe, speak and do all the catastrophe plans. Again, sometimes there is too much heat to hold space for the other person. This is high level work. NRP is for experienced players. Knowing yourself and owning the hot messy parts is crucial. Knowing own triggers - Know thy self! Write your own instruction manual. It is really really helpful if you know what triggers you. It is possible to tell your partner, then when it happens and your prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) goes off line, someone else has the safety evacuation manual, they can hug you, or similar. Also it is possible to preempt when these things might happen, certain people or environments might make you super anxious, nervous, scared etc.

Nurturing the relationship 

There is a simple metaphor, committed relationships are like a plant, they need, water, nutrients, sunlight and air to grow. It’s easy in the initial phase of limerence (fancy word for the honeymoon time) to just have fruity sex, show your shiny side and cruise. Then the wheels fall off and someone gets triggered. Now there is work to do. At the same time, there needs to be nutrients, going on dates, sitting down together for deep conversations, having fun, making time for connection. Understand the other before being understood - this is a conflict rule. Seek an understanding of the other person before mouthing off about your position. Miracles can come from understanding the other person. ‘Aha’ moments, that why person C acts funny before the family dinners, now I understand. Asking questions, “Can you please explain to me why you do that? This skill to seek understanding will level up relationships. It’s not always possible when there is anger or adrenaline. Do your best. 

Each responsible for part of the conflict

I go red when people in my relationship counselling want to blame the other person for all the mess. No! Responsibility is shared in varying proportions between all the people. Unless there is malice (run away if you see red flags), we assume that conflict is unintentional. There is always something person A did or didn’t do, the same for person B. Take ownership for the mess, blaming is useless. The same goes for trying to change someone else so they are more like you. The same for arguing to try and change someone's mind. We can accept the differences in the other person. Apologize. Simple, know how and when to apologise. This is a skillset, read “Why don’t people apologise” by Harriet Learner for the full details. This is a 102 level skill. Do it often (not in a ‘I’m not worthy’ way) and when appropriate. Apologising for fuck ups is vital to healthy mature relationships. Also learn to how to respond to other peoples apologies (It’s in the book). It is important to accept that your partner is similar, and different from you. Most people try to force the other to change into being like them. It’s wiser to accept the difference and move on.

Be Sexuality open to each other

Touch, pleasure and Eros; they give us intimacy neurotransmitters, endorphins, serotonin and oxytocin. Social bonding comes from skin to skin and pleasure. I am a great fan of the sex positive movement. That doesn’t mean having sex all the time. It doesn’t mean having kinky sex or wild sex. It just means being open to the other person's sexuality and accepting it. Not everyone is going to be perfectly compatible with sex. See if you can find a place to meet and agree about the interests you share. Or find new ones that are compatible. Or give me a call, I love talking about sexuality and relationships jeremyshub.com

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

Know how to say ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘maybe’. While this is a 101 skill, it is also a 201 and 301 level. All people need to learn about the boundary of their safety. And then tell other people about that. Trauma survivors (all of us) are not always great at boundaries for particular reasons. This is a major trust factor, I trust people more when they can say no to me. And when they know what they want and ask for it (yes). And have the ability to know when to negotiate a situation. The work of Betty Martin is extraordinary in this field. Needs - shames cousin Needs. If by miracle your needs line up perfectly, sweet AF. Usually they don't, how to manage different needs? You don't, can't won't. Unmet needs, resentment, Hidden needs, tiring, too needly? Unknown needs, toxic. The best approach, speak them at least, then they’ll stop hanging around with Shame. Then there is a chance they will be met, or negotiated and accepted. Timing of needs, take turns? Self care and self regulation - This is tricky to describe. On the down side it depends on privilege, power, resources and trauma awareness. I’m also learning that being perky and distracting is not trauma processing. Sometimes we need to fall gracefully and surf the waves of dark emotions. On the up side, being kind to yourself is really important. The kindness and self care can be talking nicely to yourself instead of punishing and being critical. Then there are generic things like a bath, a walk, reaching out to a friend. Self regulation is complex and personal. My general goto is ‘breathe, move, make a sound’. That gets me out of 87% of bad spots. I have also found spooning the greatest deregulation strategy - if you can find another spoon.

Caveats

Some people like drama and are NOT relationship ready. They could benefit from therapy or similar healing modalities. 

This model is informed by Intersectional theory, it should be taken in regard to queerness, gender, patriarchy, colonisation and any other structural oppression of people. People with intersection oppression or trauma will be able to participate in this model. They may find the map needs to be customised to their terrain. For example see the amazing writing of Clementine Morrigan https://www.clementinemorrigan.com/

The Pay Off

Oh BTW - There is a gift for you in doing this work. The payoff - healing, release, freedom, intimacy, juicy and play. Gifts and gold from the emotional alchemy. New maps and terrain xo